The Reformed Life

In high school, I was active in clubs. I did not hold an officially stated title in one specific club but was always doing things. I did many behind the scene projects, traveled with them, and helped organize activities. While I didn’t have an official title or leadership position, I was still looked at as one who held some authority. I believe this is similar to that of a pastor’s wife. There is no official title for a pastor’s wife. Look in the Bible; there is no job description given. It is simply the title given to the woman who is the pastor’s wife. It’s without a job description, yet people often create a job description of what they expect the pastor’s wife to be.           

After talking with other pastor’s wives and living with this unofficial title for most of my marriage, I have found some myths about pastor wives that should be debunked. 

Myth #1: Her husband’s gifts are the same as hers

In local churches, a pastor’s wife is often considered the new golden teacher for women’s ministry or assumed she could be thrown in as the children’s Sunday school teacher. This can be a stressful assumption for many pastors’ wives who do not have the gift of teaching. 

Not every person within the local church is gifted with teaching. There is a vast difference between teaching a group and discipleship, so I am not categorizing those two together. I am specifically talking about teaching within the context of a Sunday school class or leading women’s bible studies. 

Many young pastor wives entering into a new church are thrown into teaching without an ounce of preparedness simply because of who their husband is. Some love to teach, like me, but others do not share that calling with their husband, which is okay. The same could be said for a pastor over specific ministries like music, children, and youth. Their wives might have different passions and desires, which is okay. This doesn’t mean she is not passionate about the ministry within the church or supportive of her husband. It might just mean the gifts the Lord has given her are used in another area within the life of the church. Churches should love their pastor’s wives for the gifts they bring to the table as a member of the body. 

Myth #2: The pastor’s wife knows everything going on within the life of the church

When you hold this unofficial title, it is often assumed that you are aware of every meeting, grumble, and crisis within the local body. Many view the pastor’s wife as a partner in ministry in the sense that they help their husband navigate the decisions and changes within the churches. People can falsely view pastor wives as unofficial staff members. 

Often, wives are sounding boards for certain situations for their husbands, but from my experience, we do not know everything going on within the life of the church. I find out about many decisions along with the rest of the body. I might have my husband tell me to pray about a decision or vaguely ask me to prepare for something, but I am unaware of every decision and conversation he has. I don’t know every email or what issues are occurring unless it pertains to the entire church. 

I am thankful for this. Pastors should protect their wives at all costs from a certain weight of the ministry. I am not saying that they don’t share their burdens and seek encouragement from their wives. I am saying they keep some of the weight from a pastor’s job on themselves and their fellow elders. This is helpful for the pastor’s wife as she ministers within the body, as well as being her husband’s primary source of comfort and encouragement. She already has the weighty calling to point her husband to Christ and encourage him with God’s Word. 

Myth #3: She can’t say “no” to volunteering

It is often viewed that the church’s number one volunteer should be the pastor’s wife. No matter what is going on, she is expected to be in line to serve, whether for VBS, fellowship meals, or a block party. No matter the opportunity, the pastor’s wife is the one person in the back of everyone’s mind.

I am not saying the pastor’s wife shouldn’t serve or volunteer for activities, but they can say no. Her first ministry is to her husband and children (if she has them). This means her level of volunteering can change from season to season, like any wife or mom within the local church.

When we lived in MA as church planters, we often hosted mission teams for a week at a time. On one of those trips, we went to serve some of our friends who were church planting in a town over. With a tiny kid at that time, I couldn’t serve like I wanted to. Instead, I had to excuse myself to another room with my daughter while my husband preached and taught. That night he told me how thankful he was that I served them that way. Although I didn’t see it then, I served the body by tending to my family while he stood and preached. Sometimes the pastor’s wife is serving by freeing up their husband to do the ministry of the church while she is caring for the home. This helps the body. 

Next time a pastor’s wife says “no” to a volunteer opportunity, don’t take it personally. Instead, understand that her “no” to you might be because of a “yes” she already made to serve her family or church body in another way. 

Myth #4: She doesn’t need to be heard; she only needs to hear

Often, the pastor’s wife is the one person every woman wants to meet with to share whatever is going on in her life. I don’t know any pastor wives upset that people trust them with their problems or seek them out for prayer and guidance. 

The issue is that pastors’ wives are usually lonely within the body because she is viewed as the person to bring problems to and nothing else. For this reason, most pastor wives do not have close friendships within the church. The pastor’s wife cannot share every burden she has with every woman of the church, but it doesn’t mean she cannot be honest and vulnerable like every other woman. 

She is part of the body like everyone else, and we are called to come together to share our burdens and seek encouragement and Scriptural truth from one another (Colossians 3:13-17). Allow your pastor’s wife to be a part of the body in that way; she needs the body just as much as the body needs her. 

Myth #5: She is neutral to hurtful words toward her husband 

A few years back, I remember talking with a lady, and she started to slander my husband to my face. I was shocked, hurt, and honestly defensive of him. If there is anyone that knows your pastor the best, it will be his wife and children. They see him day in and out when he is out of his “work clothes” and lounging in his sweats. I know my husband is not perfect, and I am sure any pastor’s wife will say the same. The truth is that no one is perfect.

Churches can place the pastor on a pedestal, and if they misspeak or make a mistake, they are criticized more harshly than we would criticize ourselves. We must understand that our pastors, like ourselves, are sinful beings striving to glorify Christ. In reality, if you have a complaint against someone, the only person it should be shared with is that person. 

The wife doesn’t need to hear your complaint against her husband. She is already carrying the job of being his helpmate, and to know your dislike or criticism against her spouse does nothing but create hurt and pain in her own life. This is the opposite of the unity and love that ought to be displayed within the local church. 

Instead of seeking to grumble and complain, pray for your pastor and his wife. Pray for their marriage, and encourage them as they are seeking to serve the Lord within the local body. 

We should all look at the pastor’s wife as a member of the body first. She is made in the image of God like you; she was called and chosen by God like you, she has the calling to be her husband’s helpmate like any marriage, and she has the call to glorify Christ in all she does. Rather than creating a job description for your pastor’s wife to uphold, love her, and encourage her as she seeks to glorify God in all she does. 

Soli Deo Gloria,

Courtney Chambers

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